Six out of ten hours on the road to Atlanta I was waiting on the Lord; waiting for relief, support, strength. Those six hours felt like eternity, but never once did I consider not continuing. I knew I had to persist. At one point I pulled into an abandoned building parking lot and closed my eyes. When I opened them again it was as if I had time traveled; only 20 minutes had passed, but it felt as though I had slept for hours. I was amidst waiting, and I was reminded yet again “Korie, it matters what you do in the waiting.” So, I persisted and I kept listening and quite literally as soon as I hit the fog filled mountains my wait was over. Relief found me to the point I felt like a different person. I was transformed in my waiting. I was not the same person that started that drive; my weariness, pain, fatigue and fear were completely gone. I felt restored. I could feel the anger of the enemy; that I was choosing to persist, that I was choosing to continue all while knowing that mourning with those who mourn was waiting for me. More intense fog arrived accompanied by pouring rain. But I couldn’t even begin to see that as an obstacle because it created the most beautiful color and the rain was a cleansing representation. Even while still being unable to see where I was going, peace filled me due to my elevated perspective. In the mountain tops ‘Jireh’ came across my shuffle and I was UNDONE. “I don’t wanna forget how I feel right now on the mountaintop. I can see so clear what it’s all about. So stay by my side when the sun goes down. Don’t wanna forget how I feel right now.” I made it safely to my destination and surrendered into rest with very little effort. I scheduled joy for myself on Saturday morning and was met with beautiful art in the form of a powerful reminder spoken by Michelle Obama; before spending some hours at Portrait. As I was saying my “God, show me how much you love me” prayer, I witnessed so many beautiful displays of love while sitting at Portrait. I was lead to read Romans 12 and I left the space feeling affirmed and inspired before walking into the grief of the days ahead. I met up with my nephew, Kristian, and we went to one of his favorite stores and walked around. So much occurred during those steps we were taking, but some parts of stories are best left for the travelers. K picked a dandelion for me that grew next to a wall dedicated to Peace and then we took some pictures. While I never had the pleasure of meeting K’s mom I couldn’t help but feel that she and my mom linked up in the heavens and circled the map together to ensure we were both together for these sacred moments. Due to an unexpected turn of events I was asked to speak during the service, but because I have dedicated my life and heart to this sacred work I had everything I need to show up and show God. At times the family we choose is who gives us the clearest picture of who we are called to become. I considered not sharing any part of this testimony, but was quickly encouraged by the power of words to do so. I am grateful to do this work. On my journey home I was met with an incredible sunset as soon as I rounded the ramp on I-74 and crossed the Indiana state line. God continues to show me how loved I am. More often than not the more we honor our calling and operate within it we are met with obstacles, adversity, waiting…so, what are we doing in your waiting that will keep you prepared for when you’re called to action? Don't forget what you prayed for...
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I have been working my way through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and the Morning Pages practice has caused me to sit in deep moments of reflection. Lately, prophecy and the power of prayer have been coming to the fore front of my writing time. I have found myself living answered prayers, but not even prayers I have prayed. One of the most inspirational people of my life was my Paw. He was the embodiment of faithfulness and I feel as though I am walking amidst so many of the prayers that he prayed over my life. He prayed over my life in every season; even when I lacked an awareness to the power of prayer, and as I find myself walking the halls of this home where I was raised my eyes are opened to the memories fueled by love and prayer. When it’s difficult to anchor in what we cannot see we can return to the tangible examples that have blessed our lives. I was blessed with a strong example of faith. I continue to return to Paw’s examples in my life…I reflect on when I returned home after my first heartbreak. I longed for comfort. I longed for anything that would make my pain make sense. This was the first moment I remember being taught how to pray. Paw lead to me to his bedside and we both got on our knees. I remember telling him that I didn’t know what to pray. He said, “you don’t have to know what to say. Sometimes you can just cry. God knows your heart.” I can’t recall conversations or lessons that he imparted on me after my mom died, but that season of life is when we returned to church. He took me through the doors of Fortville Christian and we walked down the long hall to the youth room. He dropped me off to God, and now that I am older and wiser I understand it’s because he was seeking his own comfort while grieving his daughter. Paw didn’t have any of the answers to the questions I was asking, and he turned to the only thing that ever made sense when everything else was a mess: faith. Even as a child I can recall the consistency of always believing that I could become anything I dreamed to be. Anytime I received a card or a note from Paw it always said something to the effect of: God has big plans for you. After every game, performance or event Paw would check in with my on the drives home. He wanted to know how it felt for me. He would let me know that he saw God in me. Paw never wavered on acknowledging my gifting, and even when I didn’t care about them he still showed interest. I can only imagine what his prayer time was like during my many seasons of wandering through my wildernesses. Somehow, I always knew when it was time to return home; to return to the only thing that ever made sense when everything else was a mess: family. My faith is so deeply tied to my sense of family because of how Paw described them both to me. It’s as if they were one in the same, but that makes sense because love was at the center of all things. Even when Paw’s illness took a turn and he was nearing the end of his journey here on Earth, I felt the deep knowing to return home. I allowed myself to be guided by all things unseen and was lead right to where I belonged. So much that I had been running from found me there at his bedside. Songs flowed out of me so effortlessly. Hesitation was non existent in my prayers. It felt as though my inheritance was Paw’s faith, and I am just now beginning to feel the full integration of those moments in my current season of life. We walk into answered prayers every day. I am so deeply grateful to still feel the presence of my Paw over my life. Here’s to becoming everything we dream… Proverbs 13:22 msg: A good life gets passed on to the grandchildren; ill gotten wealth ends up with the good people.
I recently pulled out the Bible my Paw gifted me the year my mom died. So many thoughtful cards, notes and papers full of encouragement fell out of its pages; and I remember how deeply Paw turned to God during that season of life. I didn't have a choice but to follow along, and I am deeply grateful for the example despite being ready to receive at that time. A small print out with Philippians 4:6-7 and a quote by Robert McKee fell out when I turned to James 5:11. Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds... James 5:11 You've hears, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cards, cards right down to the last detail. I recently wrote during my time of reflection while saying a see you later to those I love... I never knew how much courage and bravery was required to stay; I've always been the one who chose to leave, to chase dreams in the big open world, and gather up all the sights to send back home. It feels so strange to be the one standing in the departure lane with my hand over my heart whispering prayers of safety; to be the one staying, even more over to be the one grateful to feel my anchor going deeper into the depths, to be the one that is the home for others to now return. I didn't know it would feel like this; so many tears full of sorrow and pride for what I'll miss and what they'll experience. This is love. This is freedom. This is family. I love you from the depths of me. We will always find each other, wherever we are. I've said time and time again that my Paw was the greatest example of faithfulness that I could have ever received. I could have never known how to pray for such an example, so here came God knowing what I needed before I ever had an understanding...that seems to just be my life. I am stubborn and I take my time. I always want to gather up all the information in order to make the most informed decision, but that honestly doesn't serve me. The moments when I have felt the most peace are the moments where I have taken a leap and trusted that I will be caught and carried.
To say that I am currently in a season of "trust and obey" would be an understatement. The decisions and choices I have felt called to make for my life feel absolutely ridiculous and borderline harmful to my sustainability; mostly on the financial front, but here I am...I still have everything I need and continue to be carried and honestly feel the least amount of anxiety that I have ever felt. So, this must be the peace that surpasses all understanding because IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. Yet, here I am, trusting and obeying...because what? There's no other way. I cut off all my finger nails as a reminder to be obedient...
This may seem like a very small and insignificant decision, but for me, it's a pretty big symbol and important reminder. For the better part of the last two years I have been growing and maintaining my fingernails. Part of that maintenance required going to a nail salon and having them shaped and fortified; never with any color, always natural. Today, I looked down at my hands and thought "I really need to let it go.." Let go of the expense...the maintenance...and commit to getting my hands dirty; in more ways than one. I am someone who works with my hands. I do a lot of writing; not just at the computer, but with the pen and the page. I do a lot of integrating with nature; whether that be pulling weeds, cutting grass or my future aspirations of starting and maintaining a garden. I also work with metal; I up-cycle metal materials and make them into rings, necklaces, bookmarks...really anything that brings my creative spirit joy. I was finding myself being more and more careful with my hands all in an attempt to protect and preserve the growth of my nails; as if I don't trust that they will grow back. I was trying to stay in a season longer than I was supposed to... I often times look at my hands as a symbol of my femininity. Are my nails done? Do they look good? Who's gonna notice? Really, no one ever notices accept for me, but I have always gotten compliments when my nails are long. Are those your real nails? How did you get them that long? How do they stay so strong? I don't really have those answers, but I do know I come from a long line of strong hands, so I guess in turn that means I come from a long line of strong nails... That's not even really the point of me writing any of this...today, I looked at my hands and felt that they were a symbol of my disobedience, so I cut them down. I haven't seen my hands with short nails in so long, and it made me laugh. Because guess what? They still look beautiful. Sometimes we need these simple reminders to hit us at our core, and now I know that every time I look down at my hands I think about not just being obedient, but staying obedient. These hands are ready for harvest reason. What do you need to let go of in this season? What areas do you need to be more obedient? Here's to the journey and trusting the process. Seven years ago today I returned home to Indiana after living in Washington state for three years. It's been a wild journey since I unloaded my car that day on Lucky Dan Drive to live with Kristyn, Nelle and Jude. The home they shared with me was exactly what I needed to find my footing again. Returning home was more difficult than I imagined. I was so full of shame at that time in my life. My marriage had ended and the last time I had seen most of my people was in celebrating that union. That shame filled version of myself is long gone, and I am grateful for this version of me that now takes so much ownership in my story. I wouldn't me the me I am today without that version of myself and I am grateful for every moment. It's been seven years of falling in love with where I come from and who I truly am. It's been seven years of healing...seven years of grounding and rooting...seven years of intentionally becoming. The number seven symbolizes fullness and completeness. It is also the only single digit that cannot be multiplied or divided and still remains a whole number. In numerology seven represents seekers and those in pursuit of deeper wisdom. When I truly committed to my healing journey seven years ago, seeking deeper wisdom was my deepest desire and intention. I had been surviving for so long and I was ready to explore what healing actually felt like; what it would be like to face everything rather than always run...I had no idea the journey I would be embarking on, but I am deeply grateful for the decision I made and each twist and turn that has met me along the way. I have learned how to make a true home wherever I go regardless for how long I am physically there. I am only now coming into the awareness that I have the ability to continually come home to myself and find respite within. Healing is so deeply revealing. I have experienced love in so many beautiful forms along the way. It's honestly humbling to reflect on these past seven years and feel that I am still at a beginning. Of course it's a completely different view at this starting line than it was all those years ago, but it is still full of beauty and possibility. I am endlessly becoming.The losses and gains have been larger than I could have ever imagined. Coming back home again to Indiana was one of the most life changing gifts I could have ever received. These moments of reflection are deeply affirming to me to continue to follow the call of All Things Bigger Than Me. The deeper I traveled within in pursuit of healing all of the woulds that caused me to want to escape myself, the more clear I became on the direction I was intended to go with my life. Learning to truly love myself and come home to myself has continually reflected back to me in my daily living. I am currently sitting and writing these words on my front porch while drinking warm cacao in the cool morning air. The sun is up, but not offering much of its warmth and the neighborhood is quiet. I am surrounded by the same peace I have found within myself. Don't get it twisted...this is just a moment. I have plenty more work to do and so much more to learn, but that's the beauty of this journey: it ain't over til it's over, and I'm committed to experiencing the beauty in it all. I stopped at Canon Beach, Oregon on my drive back to Indiana and I sat and wrote my goodbye to the life that I was walking away from and the version of myself that I was leaving behind on the West Coast. There are still parts of me that try to get back to her, but not in the harmful ways. She was the most fearless version of myself, she was ready to take on anything and everything. Those are the pieces of me that I always try to hold onto in this journey. Looking at her reminds me that it's really gonna be okay...
BUT, what happens when the facts are causing the feelings? I recently found myself comparing myself to who I used to be, and it robbed me of some joy. Theodore Roosevelt once said, "comparison is the thief of joy." I have found that comparison also leads me to stagnation. When I stay too long in the reflective state I find myself stuck or going in cycles that really don't serve me. These are the moments that rob us; of not only joy, but also time. These moments are also my greatest teachers. I allowed myself to feel all of the weight of comparison, and then I moved into gratitude for the fullness of all I used to be and how she made a way for me to be who I am presently. Then, I moved into release. I release what I cannot control, and trust that I am right where I am supposed to be in every moment. I give myself grace in my becoming. When I chose to commit to my healing I also chose to commit to showing up for full experience of it; even the terribly uncomfortable ones. I am currently amidst so many deep growing pains that are stretching me in ways I have never been stretched. But, what I do know about growth is that it requires us to leave something behind, and in this season I am faced with leaving behind past versions of myself in order to become who I am truly meant to be. I also know that the more we are stretched the more flexible we become, so I welcome the discomfort; it's making room. Grieving ourselves, like healing, isn't a linear experience. We are on a constant journey of becoming while also simultaneously shedding former versions of ourselves. The molting really ain't cute, but it's necessary. I recently co-facilitated a Grieving Ourselves workshop with Sarah Jenè at Bluemind Coffee in Indianapolis. So many emotions rose to the top in that container, and while I am deeply grateful I also understand the processing work required in order for me to take this new information and alchemize it into my awareness. More molting...more stretching...more room... S T R E T C H I love myself even when I don't like who I am.
I am more than my grief. Who am I, now? I am grateful for who I had to be in order to still be here. Grief is a requirement for me to live the life I desire. If I didn't grieve I wouldn't be where I am right now, and I like it here. It's okay to wonder about what could have been or who I might have been. I give myself room to become and permission to evolve. I will take my time. I am more than enough in every season. Growth requires us to leave something behind, grief causes us to remember and love is the catalyst for perseverance. I wanna say, "that's it. That's the post."
But I know I am called to offer more. So, here goes... I have been struggling with trusting that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the root of that struggle always comes back to my common denominator: Grief. This five letter word that is a deep requirement for me to live the life I have always dreamed of living...how beautifully dumb and annoying. The struggle is real for a few reasons... I am nearing the age my mom was when she transitioned... I am currently the same age as Vince when he transitioned... I am continually surpassing the age of so many people that I have outlived... It's a whole lot to stretch through. Why have I outlived so many people? But also, Why not me?! I deserve to be here; it's just hard when I feel like they do too... So much duality. Like, what makes me so special? AND DUH! OF COURSE IT'S ME. I have felt so chosen AND so alone. BUT GOD. BUT MOTHER NATURE. BUT GRACE. BUT LOVE. always finds a way to show up and show out FOR ME. BECAUSE I AM CHOSEN AND SET APART (you should really yell this; I promise you'll feel better when you do). whooo. is this a sermon? There are few things I know for certain, and plenty that I know for maybe, but one thing I do know...is that if you're still here; you're supposed to be. It's for some purpose bigger than whatever you may believe. There's so much science to explain every little thing that has to go correctly in your body for you to continue on living...I don't know all that science, but it's there as evidence for those of us that need more proof that our existence is so on purpose. We're here. We're STILL here. Even after it all... whatever your all is. I'm just so grateful you stayed for the tomorrow that was ahead. You are here; right where you're supposed to be. I am learning what it truly means to go at my own pace, and it’s honestly slower than I would like, but there is even a lesson in the patience of waiting through an elongated process. We all reach different destinations at different points in time, and even when we meet each other it might be at different arrival times. I have found that even when we are traveling roads with another, the paths are not the same; and even if we were to walk the same steps it feels different for each of us. I feel so much ownership over my experience; more so than ever before in my life, but with that comes the discomfort of shedding old narratives that I no longer identify with. I am no longer subscribing to feelings of guilt for living the life I desire. I have always been “different,” but aren’t we all? We are all so unique and if we admired the uniqueness that rests within each one of our souls we would leave so much more room for loving kindness and compassion; not just for one another but also for ourselves. The Call to SurrenderThe call to surrender continues to find me. I think “surrender” is the word of my current season. It serves as a reminder and a call to action; and I am not certain it is a practice that will ever be mastered, but I am leaning into each moment of discomfort with gratitude. Surrendering to each and every emotion that arises and meeting it with care and attention. Today, everything feels hard and elongated for me to the point that all I really feel is exhaustion. My spirit is tired. I feel the tug on the tie I have to my mother and I can’t help but feel a longing for her presence. Often, when these feelings arise for me, I find myself taking a nap or having a deeply restful day. Each time I allow myself to lay in the stillness I am able to feel her presence, and I am reminded that I don’t have to carry it all. I am free to lay down any and all weights and move freely through the world; and sometimes that looks like a day full of slow movements and couch hangs. Home in a Verb State:What does home mean to me? What does home feel like? Where is home? I am struggling to find my definition, and after looking up definitions the only ones that resonate with me are verbs. Home: Verb: move or be aimed toward (a target or destination) with great accuacy. So, I suppose I really am aiming to continuously travel back home to myself over and over again, day by day, moment by moment, while still learning what that even means. Home in A Verb State Taking action Always moving…growing…shifting…evolving… Endlessly unpacking while leaving behind while also gathering up the pieces of me. It’s not a stationary experience, and for the first time that feels okay. Home has been a person, place and thing, but I am leaving the noun version behind for the first time. Here’s to trusting the journey of discovering while surrendering along the way…take your time. Big love, Korie some photos from the journey:The exploration of my inner landscape is causing me to meet so many crossroads; and each crossroad causes me to ask myself the hard questions. I am sitting with myself and with feelings of discomfort more and more. Ya know, the journey of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is really never ending; just like the rest of the healing journey. I have been sitting with a lot of duality lately as well, and it’s beautifully difficult to navigate some days. Knowing something is the “right” thing doesn’t always mean it won’t feel uncomfortable or that grief won’t still present itself…knowing release is necessary AND also feeling the weight of the emotions of doing so. Grateful AND grieving. Loving from afar…dual moments of living this existence in the most healthy frame of mind is WORK. I am steady just trying to breathe and remember that it can all coexist rather than wage wars inside myself. Repatterining is strenuous and requires repetition. Yesterday, I realized that crocheting taught me more than I even realized. In order to make the hat I was creating I had to follow the patterns, and in order for growth to occur the patterns were different and could not be rushed. Completion required me to learn a specific pattern before moving onto the next one. Rather than learning the lessons in the moment I was only focusing on completing the task, rather than being fully present in the learning, so now, over a week later the lessons are fully settling in. Integration takes time, and making my first crochet creation was very reflective of my current season of life. Rehabilitation, growth, unlearning, patterning…they all require patience, diligence, trusting the process and staying the course, but the results are full of beauty and joy. Some questions I have been asking…What does it feel like to be free?
What doe it feel like to be still and quiet long enough to learn who you really are? What does it feel like to know yourself? What does it feel like to honor the boundaries created in order to honor your relationship with yourself? What does joy feel like when it escapes my body? How can I remember who I am without learning who I am in the first place? What is the leading or guiding force in how you decide anything? What causes you to take certain routes home? What guides you in how you spend your free time? What bocks you from honoring your needs? In what areas do you need to practice more? 5555 day: a free write poem Fifth month. Fifth day. Fifth day of the week. and the year '23 equals 5 in numerology. Transformation and clarity. Fully moon in Scorpio. AND a lunar eclipse. Deep change in pursuit of desires. Forward motion energy. It's quite literally written in the stars. Something I have learned about myself is that everything becomes an alter; an offering of gratitude and love to honor myself, my ancestors and the Most High. Yesterday, I made coffee and surrounded the mug with crystals, literature, my journal and all of my intention as I offered gratitude for the blessing of the ritual flowing through me. Direct, Divine Guidance steers me. I also finished reading "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelho. It took me six days to read, but it felt like months. Reading these words felt like I was on the same timeline as the journey the writer was traveling during his pilgrimage, and caused me to reflect often on my own journey. I found myself asking myself, what does it mean to come back home to yourself? My answer has not yet fully formulated, as I am still walking the path, but I am learning that traveling the roads of my inner landscape is a beautiful adventure. The pitstops are enjoyable and challenging while offering many lessons to learn. I get the same feelings of excitement that arise when preparing for a trip, but while I am traveling I continue to realize that the journey never has to end. I am learning that homesickness doesn't exist when you are already home. (Some) Favorite Quotes from The Pilgrimage:"Time isn't something that always proceeds at the same page. It is we who determine how quickly time passes." "I could always be reborn, as many times as I wanted, until my arms were long enough to embrace the earth from which I had come." "When you are moving towards an objective it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk it's length." "Changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you." "God's only form of punishment is to make someone who interrupts a work of love continue it." "When we love and believe form the bottom of our heart, we feel ourselves to be stronger than anyone in the world, and we feel a serenity that is based on the certainty that nothing can shake our faith." "If you were able to levitate yourself, you would not have had a problem. But you anted to be brave, when it was enough to have been intelligent." "Teaching is only demonstrating that it is possible. Learning is making it possible for yourself." "In order for agape to flourish, I must not be afraid to change my life. If I like what I was doing, very well. But if I did not, there was always the time for a change. If I allowed change to occur, I would be transforming myself into a fertile field and allowing the Creative Imagination to sow its seeds in me." "The only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong decision is. You have to examine the other path, without fear and without being morbid, and then decide." "Everything is contained in sounds-the past, the present, and the future. The person who does not know how to listen will never hear the advice that life offers us all the time. And only the person who listens to the sounds of the moment is able to make the right decisions." "When we want something, we have to have a clear purpose in mind for the thing that we want. The only reason for seeking a reward is to know what to do with that reward." "The miracle of transforming what you do into what you believe in." "I am walking in order to see the story of my rebirth published." Views from my journal space: |
AuthorKorie Griggs is a writer who believes words are to be cherished and never wasted. She facilitates healing through the vulnerable storytelling of her life through creative expression. Archives
February 2024
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