BUT, what happens when the facts are causing the feelings?

I recently found myself comparing myself to who I used to be, and it robbed me of some joy. Theodore Roosevelt once said, "comparison is the thief of joy." I have found that comparison also leads me to stagnation. When I stay too long in the reflective state I find myself stuck or going in cycles that really don't serve me. These are the moments that rob us; of not only joy, but also time. 
These moments are also my greatest teachers. I allowed myself to feel all of the weight of comparison, and then I moved into gratitude for the fullness of all I used to be and how she made a way for me to be who I am presently. Then, I moved into release.

When I chose to commit to my healing I also chose to commit to showing up for full experience of it; even the terribly uncomfortable ones. I am currently amidst so many deep growing pains that are stretching me in ways I have never been stretched. But, what I do know about growth is that it requires us to leave something behind, and in this season I am faced with leaving behind past versions of myself in order to become who I am truly meant to be. 
I also know that the more we are stretched the more flexible we become, so I welcome the discomfort; it's making room. 

Grieving ourselves, like healing, isn't a linear experience. We are on a constant journey of becoming while also simultaneously shedding former versions of ourselves.
The molting really ain't cute, but it's necessary.
I recently co-facilitated a Grieving Ourselves workshop with Sarah Jenè at Bluemind Coffee in Indianapolis. So many emotions rose to the top in that container, and while I am deeply grateful I also understand the processing work required in order for me to take this new information and alchemize it into my awareness. 
​More molting...more stretching...more room...

I wanna say, "that's it. That's the post."
But I know I am called to offer more.
So, here goes...
I have been struggling with trusting that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the root of that struggle always comes back to my common denominator: Grief.
This five letter word that is a deep requirement for me to live the life I have always dreamed of living...how beautifully dumb and annoying.
The struggle is real for a few reasons...
I am nearing the age my mom was when she transitioned...
I am currently the same age as Vince when he transitioned...
I am continually surpassing the age of so many people that I have outlived...
It's a whole lot to stretch through.

Why have I outlived so many people?
But also,
Why not me?!
I deserve to be here;
it's just hard when I feel like they do too...
So much duality.
Like, what makes me so special?
AND DUH!
OF COURSE IT'S ME.

I have felt so chosen AND so alone.
BUT GOD.
BUT MOTHER NATURE.
BUT GRACE.
BUT LOVE.
always finds a way to show up and show out FOR ME.
BECAUSE I AM CHOSEN AND SET APART (you should really yell this; I promise you'll feel better when you do).

whooo. is this a sermon?

There are few things I know for certain, and plenty that I know for maybe, but one thing I do know...is that if you're still here; you're supposed to be. It's for some purpose bigger than whatever you may believe. 
There's so much science to explain every little thing that has to go correctly in your body for you to continue on living...I don't know all that science, but it's there as evidence for those of us that need more proof that our existence is so on purpose. 

We're here.
We're STILL here.
Even after it all...
whatever your all is.
I'm just so grateful you stayed for the tomorrow that was ahead.
You are here;
right where you're supposed to be.