I am learning what it truly means to go at my own pace, and it’s honestly slower than I would like, but there is even a lesson in the patience of waiting through an elongated process. We all reach different destinations at different points in time, and even when we meet each other it might be at different arrival times. I have found that even when we are traveling roads with another, the paths are not the same; and even if we were to walk the same steps it feels different for each of us.
I feel so much ownership over my experience; more so than ever before in my life, but with that comes the discomfort of shedding old narratives that I no longer identify with. I am no longer subscribing to feelings of guilt for living the life I desire. I have always been “different,” but aren’t we all? We are all so unique and if we admired the uniqueness that rests within each one of our souls we would leave so much more room for loving kindness and compassion; not just for one another but also for ourselves. 

The call to surrender continues to find me. I think “surrender” is the word of my current season. It serves as a reminder and a call to action; and I am not certain it is a practice that will ever be mastered, but I am leaning into each moment of discomfort with gratitude. Surrendering to each and every emotion that arises and meeting it with care and attention.
Today, everything feels hard and elongated for me to the point that all I really feel is exhaustion. My spirit is tired. I feel the tug on the tie I have to my mother and I can’t help but feel a longing for her presence. Often, when these feelings arise for me, I find myself taking a nap or having a deeply restful day. Each time I allow myself to lay in the stillness I am able to feel her presence, and I am reminded that I don’t have to carry it all. I am free to lay down any and all weights and move freely through the world; and sometimes that looks like a day full of slow movements and couch hangs. 

What does home mean to me?
What does home feel like?
Where is home?
I am struggling to find my definition, and after looking up definitions the only ones that resonate with me are verbs. 

Home: Verb: move or be aimed toward (a target or destination) with great accuacy.

So, I suppose I really am aiming to continuously travel back home to myself over and over again, day by day, moment by moment, while still learning what that even means. 

Home in A Verb State
​Taking action
Always moving…growing…shifting…evolving…
Endlessly unpacking
while leaving behind
while also gathering up the pieces of me.
It’s not a stationary experience,
and for the first time that feels okay.
Home has been a person, place and thing,
but I am leaving the noun version
​behind for the first time. 

Here’s to trusting the journey of discovering while surrendering along the way…take your time.
Big love,
​Korie

The exploration of my inner landscape is causing me to meet so many crossroads; and each crossroad causes me to ask myself the hard questions. I am sitting with myself and with feelings of discomfort more and more. Ya know, the journey of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is really never ending; just like the rest of the healing journey. 
I have been sitting with a lot of duality lately as well, and it’s beautifully difficult to navigate some days. Knowing something is the “right” thing doesn’t always mean it won’t feel uncomfortable or that grief won’t still present itself…knowing release is necessary AND also feeling the weight of the emotions of doing so. Grateful AND grieving. Loving from afar…dual moments of living this existence in the most healthy frame of mind is WORK. 
I am steady just trying to breathe and remember that it can all coexist rather than wage wars inside myself. Repatterining is strenuous and requires repetition. Yesterday, I realized that crocheting taught me more than I even realized. In order to make the hat I was creating I had to follow the patterns, and in order for growth to occur the patterns were different and could not be rushed. Completion required me to learn a specific pattern before moving onto the next one. Rather than learning the lessons in the moment I was only focusing on completing the task, rather than being fully present in the learning, so now, over a week later the lessons are fully settling in. Integration takes time, and making my first crochet creation was very reflective of my current season of life. Rehabilitation, growth, unlearning, patterning…they all require patience, diligence, trusting the process and staying the course, but the results are full of beauty and joy. 

​What does it feel like to be free?
What doe it feel like to be still and quiet long enough to learn who you really are?
What does it feel like to know yourself?
What does it feel like to honor the boundaries created in order to honor your relationship with yourself?
What does joy feel like when it escapes my body?
How can I remember who I am without learning who I am in the first place? 
What is the leading or guiding force in how you decide anything?
What causes you to take certain routes home?
What guides you in how you spend your free time?
What bocks you from honoring your needs?
In what areas do you need to practice more?

5555 day: a free write poem
Fifth month.
Fifth day.
Fifth day of the week.
and the year '23 equals 5 in numerology.
Transformation and clarity.
Fully moon in Scorpio.
AND a lunar eclipse.
Deep change in pursuit of desires.
Forward motion energy.
It's quite literally written in the stars.

Something I have learned about myself is that everything becomes an alter; an offering of gratitude and love to honor myself, my ancestors and the Most High. Yesterday, I made coffee and surrounded the mug with crystals, literature, my journal and all of my intention as I offered gratitude for the blessing of the ritual flowing through me. Direct, Divine Guidance steers me. 

I also finished reading "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelho. It took me six days to read, but it felt like months. Reading these words felt like I was on the same timeline as the journey the writer was traveling during his pilgrimage, and caused me to reflect often on my own journey. I found myself asking myself, 
what does it mean to come back home to yourself?
My answer has not yet fully formulated, as I am still walking the path, but I am learning that traveling the roads of my inner landscape is a beautiful adventure. The pitstops are enjoyable and challenging while offering many lessons to learn. I get the same feelings of excitement that arise when preparing for a trip, but while I am traveling I continue to realize that the journey never has to end. 
I am learning that homesickness doesn't exist when you are already home. 

"Time isn't something that always proceeds at the same page. It is we who determine how quickly time passes."

"I could always be reborn, as many times as I wanted, until my arms were long enough to embrace the earth from which I had come."

"When you are moving towards an objective it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk it's length."

"Changing the way you do routine things allows a new person to grow inside of you."

"God's only form of punishment is to make someone who interrupts a work of love continue it."

"When we love and believe form the bottom of our heart, we feel ourselves to be stronger than anyone in the world, and we feel a serenity that is based on the certainty that nothing can shake our faith."

"If you were able to levitate yourself, you would not have had a problem. But you anted to be brave, when it was enough to have been intelligent." 

"Teaching is only demonstrating that it is possible. Learning is making it possible for yourself."

"In order for agape to flourish, I must not be afraid to change my life. If I like what I was doing, very well. But if I did not, there was always the time for a change. If I allowed change to occur, I would be transforming myself into a fertile field and allowing the Creative Imagination to sow its seeds in me."

"The only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong decision is. You have to examine the other path, without fear and without being morbid, and then decide."

"Everything is contained in sounds-the past, the present, and the future. The person who does not know how to listen will never hear the advice that life offers us all the time. And only the person who listens to the sounds of the moment is able to make the right decisions."

"When we want something, we have to have a clear purpose in mind for the thing that we want. The only reason for seeking a reward is to know what to do with that reward."

"The miracle of transforming what you do into what you believe in."

"I am walking in order to see the story of my rebirth published."

Do you remember your first step? Or the last time you were carried? I couldn't until recently. I have been learning to trust my feet again. Every step is a practice in trust. Each step is a reminder of process and patience. You truly cannot run before you walk, and in order to get to faster movements you have to take your time.

This morning when my feet touched the ground I felt a familiar feeling-

I had to make the conscious, intentional, decision to not revert to old, painful patterns. I gave myself permission to go slowly with my movements while honoring the memory of the movements it required to get here. After that, it was time to make room for the expansiveness of this new version of myself. I began slowly stretching and moving into my body while the sun shared it's warmth with me. The message that continued to find me during my flow was:

Believe the wisdom you possess. Each step is a practice. Rehabilitation takes time. Give yourself room to grow.
Do I truly believe? Do I have faith that I won't fall? And even if I do, do I remember I will rise again?