Who is going to heal the healers?

I have asked this question with a deep yearning over the past two years, and only recently did I learn that it was more of a prayer than a question. There have been so many moments where I have found myself resonating deeply with the journey of Jesus, a beautifully passionate prophet and Son of God. Even leading up to the current road I am walking I found myself saying, “I feel like I am preparing for deployment.” And even while being called I knew it was going to be a challenging road to walk.

Via Dolorosa: Groundwork

Via Dolorosa is the route believed to have been taken by Jesus through Jerusalem to Calvary. This beautiful name translates to “Way of Suffering.” I am presently laughing to myself as I type this because my first book is entitled, “Suffer Well,” and if it isn’t a thorough depiction of my very own Via Dolorosa, I am not sure what is.
I have been actively and intentionally offering myself up as an offering since January 2023. I have continuously said, “I am the vessel. May whatever is intended to move through me do so.” I also regularly find myself singing, “prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.” So, this is where we begin timeline jumping…

April 18-19, 2018: Walk By Faith

Colorado Springs Air Force Base

I stood in one of the most beautiful sanctuaries I have ever seen after taking a huge leap of faith to pursue my dreams of artistry full time. I distinctly remember quietly humming and singing, “prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.” ​
I continued to adventure around Colorado Springs with one of my oldest and dearest friends while we connected over memories and moments we were both deeply passionate about. I remember sharing with her my true calling to be a writer.
“There’s a reason I write every day. I’m just not sure what to do with all of it yet.”
During one of our many walking adventures, in Manitou Springs, we came across a larger than life writing desk. I remember feeling so excited and just wanting to sit on it. It was so much space to fill, and now as I reflect I realize the prophecy of that moment. I am here to take up space. My story is meant to be written and recorded. Were it not for the documentarians that came before me I would have no frame of reference for the true healing power of words and storytelling. Words continue to be such a faithful and supportive friend in my life. 

Manitou Springs, CO giant red desk

April 19, 2023: Refining and Rebirthing

Unveiled Temazcal ceremony space

Temazcal is a beautifully refining ceremony that challenges your endurance and willingness to surrender. The heat increases door after door as new heat it brought into the temple space. There were moments where the heat felt so intense, but I would find myself leaning deeper into gratitude for the experience and the healing it was bringing to my body, mind and spirit. 
I partook in this ceremony with ten other warrior women, and during a moment of reflection the space was opened for anyone to share a song, offering or prayer. Yet again, the song flowed from my lips; “prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving, I’ll be a living sanctuary for you.”
The journey of offering myself as a vessel to all things larger than me is a journey that never ends. It shifts and changes season to season. There are always new lessons to learn, and I am grateful for all of them despite the challenges they may bring. Healing isn’t linear; it’s never ending as we grow and evolve. My time here in Texas is very reflective of the rebirth that is occurring in this season of my life. The old must die to make room for the new. It is simultaneously brutal and beautiful. 

Body Work

I feel deeply transformed on a cellular level. So much so, that I have even been learning to walk again. Over the years many people have commented on how I walk. I have carried a limp in my step with me for as long as I can remember. When I have described the pain to medical professionals I have said, “it just feels like if I could grab it I could pull it out, but it’s just so deep that I can’t reach it.” This is not language that western medicine understands, but I was able to work with an osteopath who truly heard all that I was saying. I have known that the pain I was experiencing was grief, but not all of it was even mine, and it is hard to fully release and lay down what you cannot identify. 
During my treatment session she was able to move the grief that had been settled deep in my lower back and right hip space. Imagine moving a statue that is deeply anchored and has been settled in it's place for over twenty years. The treatment was painful, to say the least, but for the first time in years I was able to lay completely flat without pain. I shed tears during it's movement, and when I felt that pain be captured laughter began to erupt from me being. So much joy was experienced during grief's release, and I felt the power of gratitude from the ones who have gone before me for carrying what they were unable to hold. 
The days that have followed are a deep rehabilitation. I have been finding my footing again, literally. My steps are unfamiliar, heavier and more even than I have ever experienced. For the first time, in years, I am not experiencing chronic pain. I am nestled in a house of chronic mindfulness and I am deeply grateful for this next leg in my journey back home to this new version of myself.  ​
The phoenix is rising...
​                                                         talk soon,

Amethyst wings