I am good at stop and go. 
I am good at all or nothing. 
I am not good with in between bullshit. 
I like answers. 
I like direction. 
I like plans. 
I am not good at resting in the moment.
I want more.
I want great.
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A flashing yellow light signifies: proceed with caution. I feel like I AM a flashing yellow light. 
I put out that I need caution, time, patience and understanding, but I don’t know how to do it for myself. 
I am not patient with myself. 
Most of the time, I feel like I need to dive in head first for fear that the water won’t always be there for me to feel. In those moments, I usually  end up drowning. Other times, I just don’t even try to test out the water because my anxiety or skeptismn gets the best of me. There isn’t an between. There isn’t a happy medium. There is just stop and go. 
Stop or go usually just results in me becoming increasingly frustrated with myself. 
Why can’t I just let myself wade? 
Why can’t I down shift and just go slower? 
Why am I either green or red? 
Where is my yellow? 
I am in charge of my happiness. I am in control of my calm. I am going to find my yellow light that prepares me for my stop and let’s me rest from my go.  
Stay grateful, stay patient, 
-KP

People with big hearts get used regularly. They get used for their kindness. They get used for their love. They get used for their empathy. They get used. They get sucked dry. They keep giving because giving is what they are good at. They are good at giving to others because they know what they want to receive in return. 

What about the users? Do they know they are using? Is that their intention? Are they appreciative of the kindness? Do they realize the amount of love that is being bestowed upon them? Do they understand the empathy? Are users born from the big hearts that keep giving to them? How can you ensure that your heart wont be played for a fool? How can you trust that you won’t be taken advantage of? How can you push past all of the fear that comes with loving another soul? You can’t guarantee anything. All you can do is continue to be unapologetically yourself and hope that the same is returned back to you. 

If you keep putting your love out into the world it is bound to make it back to you, right? If you keep pushing kindness it will be reciprocated, right? If you keep working hard it will be acknowledged, right? There is just no way to know what lies ahead. 

I feel like the more in tune I become with myself, the more my heart spreads out. I don’t know how to keep the pieces all together. The pieces keep flying out to all of the other pieces that my soul needs. 

What if it could all be tangible?
If I could put my happiness in a glass would it be full?
If I could put my love into a jar would it fit?
If I could pour both of them out would they fill other glasses and jars?
The bitch of it all is that I would keep pouring even if it meant I would be completely empty and dry of both. Why?

Because it’s who I am. It’s what I'm good at. 

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